Gay Sexual Compatibility As Insecurity - Paul Angelo - Big Gay Family

Gay World 2025

28-05-2023 • 32 mins

Sexual compatibility can be seen as an insecurity that protects gay men from embracing wholeness in themselves and others.  Human relationships require a combination of emotion, intellect, and spirit to thrive and grow. Psychologist Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol, states, "Sexual compatibility is only one piece of the puzzle. It's important, but it's not the whole story." Therefore, relationships based solely on sexual compatibility can leave individuals feeling unsatisfied and disconnected from their partners.

When gay men interact only through sexual compatibility, they do so from a place of self-minimization or shame. According to Psychologist Dr. Joe Kort, "When gay men view other men as sexual objects, it's often because they are ashamed of their sexuality and haven't fully accepted themselves." This shame can manifest itself in various ways, such as objectifying others, prioritizing physical appearances over emotional connections, or engaging in risky sexual behavior.

Additionally, if a gay man is still closeted and hasn't fully come out, they may be more likely to focus on sexual compatibility as a way to connect with others while avoiding intimacy that could potentially out them. As noted in "Gay and Lesbian Identity," by Eli Coleman and Esther D. Rothblum, "In the early stages of coming out, men may be more likely to seek out casual sex as a way to explore their sexuality without the pressure of forming meaningful relationships." While sexual exploration is a necessary part of some people's journeys, engaging in purely sexual relationships with others can prevent deeper connections from forming.

Moreover, the absence of positive father figures can also impact homosexual male’s ability to form healthy relationships. Guy Corneau, in "Absent Fathers, Lost Sons," asserts that if we don't have a point of reference for a loving father, our relationships with men will not be healthy. He posits that “the boy remains in a state of longing, in search of a good father, seeking a reference point for his masculinity." This yearning can lead to negative behavioral patterns, such as seeking validation through sex and relationships rather than genuine connection.

In conclusion, sexual compatibility is only one piece of the puzzle in relationships, and wholesome relationships require a combination of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections. Engaging with others solely on the basis of sexual attraction may be a means of avoiding intimacy or a symptom of internalized shame in gay men, and in turn, prevent genuine connections from forming. Moreover, the absence of a positive father figure can exacerbate these challenges and can lead to negative behavioral patterns when seeking validation through relationships and otherwise.

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