PODCAST

The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Gary McFarlane

Helping you better understand Sex, Porn & Love Addiction; guiding you through the neuroscience of the brain and sharing what we now better understand about the brain's involvement, from childhood development. To help you effect change; find the real authentic you (whose truth self went off at a tangent in childhood); so that as you discover and become re-acquainted with the real you, having learnt to like yourself, you are equipped to be the best that you can be.Maximise the living of an increased quality of life; and on the journey, achieve recovery and sobriety from Sex, Porn & Love Addiction using The Kairos Centre Changement Recovery Online Webinar programme; bringing colour back to life - without shame.What may be the world's first fully comprehensive Video-on-Demand Webinar Programme to help you gain sobriety and Recover from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction patterns of behaviour.
Childhood development has got questions to answer
We do need to pay much attention to those Childhood development stages and how they may have shaped how we go on to do our adult relationships: "Come close; I want you close; I need you close; I need to own you for myself; you're too close; move away; give me space; this is stifling; i need more from you; you're not the one for me; blowing you up".  Any of these ringing true or resonate with you? It is called sabotage. Go after the sex/porn/love addiction first and have " Mrs Porn" on her way out, to give Couples counselling more varsity to succeed. Yet, don't not do anything about the the couples relationship whilst doing the sex/porn/love addiction work; since you might unwittingly leave the couple too long and end up burning bridges that you can't repair or get back.Then psychosexual Therapy may become necessary, if an identifiable disorder has development. Three distinct areas of work, with different skill sets. We do them all at The Kairos Centre.Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
03-01-2022
8 mins
I'm not Insecurely ATTACHED at all! How dare you suggest so
Early years fostered, Adopted, Immigrate, parents separation & divorce, verbal, physical, sexual and/or spiritual abuse, Boarding school, premature birth, incubated, mothers post-natal depression, alcoholic, drug use, parent working away a lot, emotionally absent even when they are home - are just some contributing causes for setting up INSECURE ATTACHMENT - which may later manifest in how the adult child will go on to do interpersonal relationships.We all need a lighthouse that is stable during the earliest years of childhood development. A black hole void gets set up; that insecure Attachment behaviours try to fill, when that childhood development period is not negotiated through in a "good enough" manner. There then follows, attempts throughout adulthood relationships to repeatedly repeatedly use conscious and unconscious processes to try to fill the void = LOVE ADDICTION.Want to know more and better understand? In all your getting, get understanding.Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
07-12-2021
7 mins
ATTACH(MENT) to me, but not too close; closer, but not that close
You feel insecure in close relationship with another and so the brain provides strategies to "control" the relationship, but is so unconscious that you deny you are doing any such thing.  Attachment is more accurately Detachment; yet a pining to be close to at least one other. Strange contradiction hey!In your quest for sobriety, don't go for long strides and big leaps. Successful recovery and achieving sobriety, is more about small bite size, incremental, but progressive steps. YOU can do this. Come on. Get up. Dust off. Get back in the fight.Remember, one degree shift or small change in your thinking and behaviour patterns, means that in one year, the trajectory of your life will have taken you into a tangent and positive outcomes that you dreamed about and never thought to be possible.Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
23-11-2021
6 mins
Fight/Flight/Freeze - there are benefits - not!
Core Emotional Needs, such as Approval, Attention, Security, Respect (and more) get depleted over time and as human beings, getting them met, and kept topped up, is not optional. We will consciously, but mostly unconsciously Fight/Flight/Freeze in order to get them met.They desire to be met. You are in danger zone for Acting out, as a way to fulfil those needs - temporarily. Yet, temporarily (at the time), is good enough and promises a fix.Fight may take the form of passive-aggressive. You are out of sort with a partner and you know that they know; they are worried that because of it, you may Act out; but you throw caution to the wind and don't care. In fact, quietly, you are pleased they fear you might act out. That is a way you get back at them and give them their "comeuppance".You know what Flight response looks like don't you? That is when you run into the arms of "Mrs Porn" or "Mrs Sex" or the pursuit of love & affection. Here is my definition of Flight: You move yourself out of the place where you perceive that your Core Emotional Needs are not being met and instead, put yourself in a place where you perceive your Core Emotional Needs will more likely be met.Freeze, isn't entirely freeze! It is more about "just getting on with life". Just don't think about it. Throw caution to the wind. Self-pity maybe.  Getting Core Emotional Needs met is not negotiable. At some point you will be doing Fight/Flight/Freeze, to get them met. Better understand the dynamics. Let The Kairos Centre come alongside your journey.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
06-11-2021
11 mins
Narcissism vs EmpathySHAME + NARCISSISTIC TRAITS = SEX ADDICTIONTaking Responsibility
Having completed the extensive History Taking (by asking lots of questions over three sessions) to build a profile of our clients from birth to current age, we then give feedback and diagnosis. That includes an hypothesis as to the Role, Function & Purpose which the behaviours serve.It is important not to hide behind the feedback which finds that something happened to you in childhood development; therefore current behaviour patterns are not your fault. Not true!Not a level playing field, but own the fact that when you became an adult, you are responsible for your positive choices and negative choices. The sobriety and recovery that you therefore achieve from positive choices, belong to you.I do something strange with my clients. I do brain surgery. I cut the top of the skull off and lift out their brains. I put it on a chair next to them and explain that their brain is not their best friend during the recovery programme. It will sabotage, until treats & rewards kick in and it can see good reward for good behaviour.None of this make much sense?  Let The Kairos Centre unravel it for you. Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
21-09-2021
5 mins
".....and what about me" (the silent partner affected)
The Kairos Centre Recovery Programme is about the couple recovery, not only the person with the addiction behaviours - where you are in a partnered relationship.Sit in the seat or walk in the shoes of the partner affected and see life from their vantage point - if you dear - if you can!Difficult to stay with it since to do so means subduing  and turning off inclinations toward narcissism. Take a glimpse through their lens before narcissism kids back in. Empathise with their pain. Even that empathy will take you only so far in your quest for sobriety. "White knuckling it" will last only so long. It runs out of puff? "Round and round the mulberry bush you go" again after a short while.Remember that the umbrella of Shame covers both of you and so will also take the partner into hiding as well as you.The Kairos Centre work with multiple numbers of partners (particularly female partners) adversely affected and traumatised by the addiction behaviours of the other. Let us support you.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
07-09-2021
5 mins
The Pothole you keep on keeping on falling into"My word is my bond"
"My word is my bond".  When I was a lawyer, this was an overriding priory and principle. Maybe in the past you have made repeated promises to yourself to stop and/or change the behaviours, but you have not followed through and are disenchanted.Get up, dust off. Get back in the fight. Those that achieve change are those that got up, dusted off and got back in.Take your journey and resolve up a level. Create a written Agreement with yourself as a promise to use best endeavours to achieve particular outcomes. The Agreement is to be printed, signed and referred to from time to time during your journey. It is to act as a reminder that your signature represents your honour; your word; your bond; your resolve; your incentive to fulfil that which you have Agreed.Let The Kairos Centre help you with such a document - which takes the form of a Couples (if you are in a couples relationship) Recovery Plan.Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
18-08-2021
9 mins
Shame on me!
Shame is a massive component that underpins, causing, enhances and maintains the proliferation of sex, porn, love addiction. In this context, we are discussing toxic or what is  otherwise called unhealthy shame. Guilt & embarrassment are off-shoots of shame, but they are different. We can recover from those, but toxic shame says "you are a mistake". That leaves no hope for change. Shame tells you a lie. Don't believe the lie. Don't buy into the lie. Yet you do and you have to, because shame is "hiddenness" and requires that you go into hiding and stay in hiding.A female partner, learning about the behaviours, also comes under its canopy and is also forced into hiding the stuff. Shame rubs its hands in glee.Undermine shame by coming out of hiding; by telling and sharing your story. Your brain and shame will fight you and block you, but do it.Get to a 12 steps group. That is the safe place to start to undermine shame by coming out of "hiddenness" and telling your story. That is a good forum.Find a Therapist specialised in sex, pon, love addiction. That is also a great forum to begin the process of undermining shame.Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
30-07-2021
8 mins
Shame and healing through EMDR
Shame keeps Trauma in place, because it gets in the way of us seeking out and getting the help that we need. In the UK a mental health diagnosis remains a sign of weakness. We readily seek help from a Doctor where we have a pathology in the body, but much less so for the more debilitating psychological pathology which stops us functioning effectively.Thank you Prince Harry for recently bringing the role of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) to a higher profile by showing to us that decades later, unresolved and unprocessed pathology can be healed. For many, Shame stops them getting help. Shame underpins the block.Shame + Narcissisim = Sex Addiction and so the role of Shame needs to be understood and exposed. A process, such as EMDR, has a clear role. It works!Process unresolved issues or 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 plus years, which may still be the trigger, setting up the desire to self soothe.Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
13-07-2021
7 mins
Find your Safe, Calm, Relaxed, Peaceful place when TriggeredBeware of the Sabor-toothed Tiger response"Action" toward change or are you really at Pre-Contemplation!Sex & Technological AdvancementShift your thinking & protect your heart
It all starts in the mind. What starts in the mind, is tossed around over and over and over as you get on with your day, your week, your month (because of your cognition), will eventually percolate into your heart.  A mouth full, but did you get it?People speak the things that are in their hearts. Behaviour (action) will spring forth. That is CBT principles.Regular, frequent, habitual negative thinking, will eventually lead to behaviour (that is also negative). The corollary is that regular, frequent, habitual positive and wholesome thinking, will eventually lead to good, wholesome behaviour. Getting it?Keep your heart (protect your heart) with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life.Let The Kairos Centre help you with the provision of tried and tested tools to interrupt your negative cognition on a frequent and regular basis. So that in changing your Mind, you get to change your Life.Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
30-03-2021
9 mins
Harmful Consequences"I wish someone would have told me...."
Consider the exerts form this article written by a woman (Lauren Dubinsky - What I wish I'd Known Before Watching Porn, 2012):"I wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on pornography. What it is, what it does and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women.I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have suggested it sabotages your sex life.I wish someone would have explained how dopamine.... drives you to return to what provided that feeling.....I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you're most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness.I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn't emotionally or physically ready to handle......I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men, build up images in my mind and think of sex day in and day out.....I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom.I wish someone would have pointed out pornography can establish your sexuality completely apart from real-life relationships....I wish someone would have explained what "sexual anorexia" was and that countless young men are unable to get erections because they've been watching porn since they were around 14 years old.I wish someone would have told all the men I've dated that the porn they are watching is keeping them from being turned on by me....I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my sexual orientation.....I wish someone would have told me it would subtly create a "victim" mentality in my mind....I wish someone had talked about how women watch it too....My "I wish" list is nowhere near complete...."Thought it would all look differently for females? Naaah! Not at all.--------------Presented by The Kairos Centre:  bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpProbably the world's first comprehensive Online webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction Recovery Programme, where you discover the real, authentic you; get to like you and positioned to become the best that you can be and on the journey, Recover and gain Sobriety from Sex, Porn, Love Addiction.Bringing colour back to life - without shame.Connect with me on Youtube: Gary McFarlanehttps://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFacebook: @KairoscounselingTwitter: @GaryMcFarlaneLinkedin: The Kairos Centre - Addiction TherapyWebsite: kairos-centre.combit.ly/pornaddictionhelphttps://www.buzzsprout.com/1117412
24-02-2021
9 mins
Porn-blockers & The Couple Recovery

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