(236) How do I find clothes that fit while trying to make Intuitive Eating work? Anti fat bias, compassion, and life rejecting diet culture with Nic McDermid.

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Dear Food,

Dear food,

You have been a big part of my life for more than 50 years, comforting me in pain , sharing life successes with me . I grew to love and hate you as a child and adolescent, and my struggles with restricting you have continued throughout my life. I have tried to control you to have a smaller body and yet it has never been maintainable as I have always eaten more of you to end up at a higher weight and larger clothing size. The last 2-3 years the up and down body size roller coaster we have been on has slowed down and this body that I have now has been more or less the same size , but I am not happy with it and still long to walk into a clothing store and find a variety of clothes that fit me.

Instead I hate shopping and always end up eating more of you or comfort versions of you to stop the pain and shame I feel not being able to find clothes that fit. It doesn’t help to live in Spain as I find larger sized clothing is even harder to find. I have gained and lost the same number of lbs over and over but always come back to this weight, and body size, and I still deal with choices of you daily . I must eat too much of you which I think contributes to my maintaining this larger body and yet the portions of you and the exercise I do should add up to having a smaller body.

This year I found the intuitive eating book and am working through the workbook. I am also finding more and more health at any size websites and support groups. I am learning to stop eating when I am full and I am not binging anymore for years now, and I exercise regularly . For my 61 years I am in pretty good shape but I just struggle with finding clothes I feel comfortable in and wish for a smaller sized body , and not the hard to find size that I wear now.

I also feel that the aches and pains I have daily with this body would be less with a smaller body and I would have more energy, and my doctors have told me repeatedly to drop weight every time I go to an appointment . I am having knee replacement surgery soon and this body size concerns me.

Anyway Food, I seem to be stuck here and not sure how to work with you so I can lower my body size, I don’t have visions anymore of being a super model or an unrealistic size. I just want to be able to buy clothes easier and feel better in what I wear, and have a healthier body image.

I am not obsessed with your details and watching your calories anymore or tracking you as I have been for years but instead trying to eat just enough of you, enjoying your taste and not restricting myself . I know I need you to give me nutrients and keep me alive, so this relationship is lifelong,

I would just like to find a balance with you and this larger body I have.

love

Still Dreaming to be Smaller