Daughters Who Dare

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Instead of acknowledging and respecting boundaries, narcissistic parents move them, swap them, erase them, ignore them or create something new in their place…all to suit their plans…their strategies…their needs. Boundaries aren’t invisible lines. They help us establish respect and trust, as well as create a safe space. So, when lines are crossed - emotionally and physically - trust can diminish or disappear altogether. As a result, nothing is sacred and nowhere is safe. That’s why I’m convinced that, as a child of narcissistic parents, my boundaries must have been drawn with invisible ink. How else could I explain why they didn’t see them?

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. This episode is about daring…daring you to make hard and unpopular choices. Keep an open mind. I want to encourage you to go ONE STEP FURTHER. As I am not walking your journey, I don’t know what your one step further looks like. Take a moment to look at your current situation. Is there one thing you have been wanting to ask, say or share? What has been holding you back? In my mind, there are various ‘levels of dare.’ Each one takes courage and each one can be considered its own win. When we are ready and able to conquer all three levels - see it, prepare it and do it - we make a BIG SPLASH! Come on! Let’s make a big splash together!

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. For most of my life - if not all of it - I felt like I was begging to belong to my own birth family. Sounds crazy…I know. Whilst begging, I was searching for answers. “What was wrong with me? Why was I difficult to like? Why was I impossible to love?” Instead of answers, I got sarcastic remarks, humiliating scenarios and more reasons to ask those questions. Over time, I learned to deal with my own rejection, but nothing could have prepared me for the transfer of negativity to my children. They were treated differently purely as a by-product of being related to me. It demonstrates just how much power narcissistic parents have. Am I still begging? NO. Why? Because I do belong. I belong to my own tribe of 5+3. My begging days are over.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. At times, I feel like 5 year old me, standing at the start line of the Egg and Spoon Race. The difference is, I am no longer carrying a raw egg, but rather my trauma, which often makes me feel fragile, vulnerable and easy to break. I carry it with due care. I must carry it alone. I mustn’t drop it until the finish line. So far, my race has lasted nearly 60 years. Unlike 5 year old me, I can step back and see the bigger picture. When I am given the luxury of time, head space and the room to process, I can eventually see the humour where it is acceptable.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. As a confident, articulate child of narcissistic parents, I open the door - wide open - during conversations about family relationships. The question I am asked the most is, “Will you feel guilty if/when your parents become ill or when they die?” My answer is always the same. “There will be no room for guilt.” Will there be tears? Most definitely…for all that could have been…under different circumstances. Instead of guilt, I will experience peace (as I already do), knowing that I did everything I could.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Why has the image of ‘the black sheep’ lasted so long? It is easier to identify that family member as the one who ‘doesn’t fit in’ or ‘doesn’t quite belong.’ Separation is the key. Other family members would rather let the black sheep get on with their own life than jeopardise their designated place in the flock. Having said that, it is possible to be an ally to the target child in the family. Some ways require little or no effort, while others take tremendous bravery and courage. The target child doesn’t make anyone choose. There are no ultimatums on the table. So, it is up to the ally to define their involvement. A shout out to all those who have chosen to be an ally. It takes someone special…someone with courage…to stand with the target child of the narcissist.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Trauma isn’t just what happened to us, but also what doesn’t happen to us, including missed opportunities, especially in childhood. There won’t always be triggers as reminders as so much of that trauma already lives within us. Our bodies respond to trauma in many ways. Some are obvious, however, many become invaluable, built-in ways to keep us alert and keep us safe. These responses are not excuses, nor are they choices…most of the time. Rather than waiting for triggers, we must learn to listen to our bodies as they store, manifest, process and release the trauma that has become an undeniable part of who we are. We must be ready at all times. I’m ready! I hold the key to my haunted fun house and there isn’t a clown in sight.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. I am incredibly curious. How do some people manage not just to survive but to thrive? What tools do they have in their tool box? That is one HUGE philosophical question. When I take a peek into my tool box, I see the ones I have collected throughout my lifetime. Each tool comes with memories, emotions and names of those who helped me to collect them. I wouldn’t be here without them. But, my tool box does not protect me from other options, other choices or other habits that may feel easier or quicker in the moment. At any point in my life, addictions could have replaced any or all of those tools. The struggle is real. How did I survive and thrive? I carry my tool box with me wherever I go. I am proud of the tools I have collected but I have plenty of room for more.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Hindsight can be a lovely thing…or not. When I look back on my journey, on the mountain I have climbed, the one that involved navigating relationships with narcissistic parents, I can SEE the same view but FEEL completely different emotions. The mountain I climbed hasn’t changed. I have. When I listen to other voices, I hear them say, “Well, you did that! You made that happen! It’s all on you!” Some days, those words become fuel for my fire of doubt. But, on other days, those words become reminders of all I have achieved and all I have become. When I listen to my own voice, I hear myself ask, “Would I do it all again?” And, without hesitation, I answer, “YES!” What have I done? I have dared to live a life filled with honesty, humour and hope. That’s what I’ve done.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. NO CONTACT must be one of the most complex topics, especially when referring to parental relationships. When I made the decision to go NO CONTACT, it was the first time in my life that I was telling my mother how things were going to be. I was the one dictating what our relationship would look like…non-existent. That worked for me. But, did it work for her? Well, the best way I can answer that is things got messy. It wasn’t just about the two of us. The decision would impact the entire family. I am still facing the consequences and counting the cost . . . but, my decision still stands. Now, two episodes later, can you see why I say it isn’t for the faint of heart?

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. As the Queen of Analogies, I offer two more scenarios that relate to the experience of being a child of a narcissistic parent: sailing solo around the world and climbing Mount Everest. Unlike the trained sailor, I was ‘put’ in my boat to sail alone without any skills, instructor, compass or even oars for that matter. And, like the skilled climber, I was left to face so many elements, most of them out of my control. Why those examples, you ask? It refers to my decision to go NO CONTACT. This episode isn’t about defining that term, but rather exploring what it means, uncovering its many layers and processing all that it uncovers. Everyone’s experience of NO CONTACT will look different. That’s okay. It is such a complex topic and a HUGE decision. Let’s sail this ship and climb this mountain together.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Why is it that, in the English language, there aren’t more words for grief, especially since there are so many different kinds? As a child of a narcissist, I refer to the most difficult, confusing, inexplicable grief as missed moments. That grief stings the most because a) the other person is still alive b) the other person is cognitively aware of their actions and c) I had to watch my parent create memories with other people…three of whom were my siblings. Knowing and accepting the fact that I was stuck with my narcissistic parent was my first real experience of grief…a grief I have carried with me all my life. How I wish there was a word big enough to describe and explain that type of grief.

Say It…I Dare You! Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Cliches have a lot to answer for. Although they usually come from a good place and are well-intentioned, they aren’t often received in the same way. When I tell someone that I no longer have a relationship with a family member, I brace myself and wait for them to say, “Life is too short.” I want to scream, “Too short for what?” but, instead I calmly reply, “It was a last resort. I have tried everything…absolutely everything.” Believe me.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. One of the reasons I started a Book Club over 20 years ago is because I love the diversity of perceptions and opinions. I find it incredibly fascinating that six people can read the same book and yet it often feels as though we met different characters and read different plots. And, just like that, four children lived in the same house, raised by the same parents and yet, somehow, my story reads so differently to theirs. My siblings didn’t write a different story for me…my narcissistic parents did. As a result, I often look at my siblings and want to ask, “Did we really grow up in the same house?”

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Some days, I wonder if I should have called this podcast “Daughters Who Are Terrified”rather than “Daughters Who Dare.” The fear is real…often too real. As a child of narcissistic parents, I have had to learn ways to face, jump, ride, manage and survive the waves, whether that was in tiny, trickling ones or waves that knocked me off my feet. Although I can disguise, delay and deny the fear…it doesn’t go away. Let’s stand and face the waves together.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope.   There are many types of love language, but my favourite language is words of affirmation. Words matter, am I right? I appreciate the words, but, sometimes, I appreciate the underlying message even more. A simple baseball reference like, “Three strikes…you’re out!” may seem silly and insignificant to others. But, in my case, I heard, “I see you. I hear you. I believe you. You are loved.” Those words of affirmation were life changing. I will never forget them. I am a child of not one narcissistic parent, but three (hence the baseball reference). I may have struck out in the mother department, but I haven’t lost the game.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope.   When I told others that I was raised by a narcissist, they would often reply, ‘Well, at least you had two parents. At least the other parent was there for you.” How I wish that were true! How I still wish that was true! One of the toughest pills I had to swallow was accepting the fact that both parents were equally responsible for their actions and choices. One parent will always be the narcissist. The other parent will never have my back. A sad truth, yet my truth nonetheless.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. How often do we take time to stop and reflect? It is not only important, but necessary to do just that. As the relationship between child and narcissistic parent lasts a lifetime (and beyond), those pauses can make all the difference. Every now and again, allow yourself the time. Take a good look at who you are and just how far you have come. You did that! Be proud!

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Forgiveness is hard to do, especially as the child of a narcissist. I was expected to forgive, yet the adult in the relationship could do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t fair. So, I made the decision…a huge decision. I didn’t need to forgive them. Instead, I began to forgive myself.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent.  Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. I didn’t always use that word - narcissist. But, once I did, it stuck like a label on a pickle jar. For years, I would describe her in many words and give examples of her nasty behaviour and show the many scars I live with, but true clarity happened when I saw her for what she is. My eyes and ears were fully opened. Now, I can’t unsee it.